12 min read
“A lot of men aren’t interested in relationships because it’s not what we talk about with other men.”
Most women believe that men who are hesitant to commit are fearful, they say that “men have a fear of commitment”. But this isn’t necessarily the case, there are a variety of reasons why some men hesitate to commit. In this post, I’m going to outline seven of the reasons that I’ve found to be pretty common.
Now, of course, there are many more reasons and a combination of the few that I’m going to outline in this post as to why men hesitate to commit. If you are interested in finding out more, consider subscribing to our email list, leave a comment below or fill out the contact form and ask away. I’ve also found that depending on where a man is in his life, it will cause him to shun being in a committed relationship.
What you will find as you read through this post, it’s not as cut and dry as people make it seem. So, there’s no need to get discouraged, there are a lot of men out there who are ready to commit. When I was single, I also didn’t just jump into commit relationship with a woman even though we had good chemistry.
Matter of fact that’s why a lot of men don’t commit and it often leads to a “situationship”. Having good chemistry isn’t always a sign that it will be a good relationship. Good chemistry for most men is just that. More importantly, men who desire a committed relationship, look for good chemistry at the right time. This post will help you become more aware of why some men hesitate to commit to a serious relationship with you.
1. He Fears Being Hurt
For some men, a relationship means a great amount of vulnerability. With this comes a possibility of being hurt. For us, the internal pain of making a decision to be with a woman and then being hurt by that same woman makes it harder to recover from. Some men have never recovered from their first heartbreak. That’s not to say that women don’t feel pain from being hurt, but for some strange reason, it stays with men a lot longer.
I think it’s possibly because of how men see women as possessions, but in addition to that, we’re socialized to not be vulnerable. For men, it is as a sign of weakness within our circle of male friends. Whereas women, tend to be more vulnerable amongst their female friends.
So for a man to open himself up to the possibility of being hurt, it creates a lot of anxiety and hesitation. This is what usually lasts a lot longer for men more so than women. Now, I know, it should be the same across the board, but it’s most certainly not.
Some men do a great job of masking the fear of possibly being hurt, but over time his actions of noncommittal to a serious relationship are evidence of his fear of being hurt. Pain avoidance for a lot of men is built on the possibility of being hurt (again). By removing the option to commit, he removes the possibility of being hurt. Commitment exposes us to a level of sensitivity, which we rarely show, if ever. The reality is, most women inherently believe that a sensitive man, is a weak man.
This is why most men avoid the vulnerability of a commitment more so than women. It’s due to the fact that vulnerability is typically seen as a weakness and not socially acceptable amongst other men. Habits are not easily broken, but some women think that because a man gets in a relationship, they should automatically become vulnerable. However, this isn’t true and requires a lot of practice over a period of time.
2. He Believes You’ll Change
Some men, on the other hand, want to commit but are concerned that women develop a sense of entitlement after they’ve “got him” and will start to slack off as a result. Think about it, you see men on tv and all over the internet complaining about how their lives have changed after they “got them”.
They’ve stopped having sex, their relationships full of fighting and the love has somehow vanished. Typically after some women feel like they’ve gotten a man where they want him, they change. Women changing becomes ingrained in the back of a lot of men’s mind. The fear is, you’ll change from being the woman that he fell in love with, to a woman he can’t stand being around.
The hesitating that you are experiencing might be him observing you over time to make sure you won’t change up once he commits. So the best thing to do is be genuine and consistent over time. You can only fake a persona for so long before the true person comes out. I understand that pregnancy, stress and other things can bring on psychological changes, but these things should be communicated as they happen. The person you presented shouldn’t drastically change all of a sudden, but if it does, can you fault him for feeling mislead?
3. He Doesn’t Want to Settle Down
Some men have no desire to settle down at all, they enjoy their freedom too much. The thought of being in a committed relationship doesn’t outweigh the benefits of having unlimited options. Having to “check-in” with someone creates a level of disdain and equates to the feeling of being on timeout.
Some might even believe that settling down at the moment isn’t feasible, because they have a lot of other things they need to do before considering commitment. You might even be able to convince them to spend some time with you, but that’s about as far as it’ll go. Some men want to acquire a level of financial independence, want to travel and experience life more before they decide to finally pursue a committed relationship.
This is a good thing. But, I can also see why a lot of women would feel the need to try to convince a man to focus on them and not to pursue what he really wants. However, in the end he’ll start to blame you for preventing him from being the best man that he could’ve been and make your life of miserable. If you’re in that scenario, it’s best to let him do what he feels is best for him. If you mean as much as you believe you do to him, let him focus on obtaining what he truly desires. He’ll remember you for that and who knows, he just might come back to you a better man.
4. He’s Still Healing From a Past Relationship
While there are a lot of men who are serial “relationshipers” there are some men who want to take their time in moving forward into another relationship. Some breakups can leave a bad taste, and if you’re not careful you can rush someone into a relationship who isn’t ready. Give him some time to unpack the baggage and hurt from past relationships as a friend perhaps.
If a man anyone wants to build a long term solid relationship, then it is vitally important to take the time to heal and get over past issues as best as you can. You will be amazed at what creeps out of a person who has unresolved past relationship issues.
Not taking the time to heal, can lead to a lot of insecurities, jealousy, anger, and resentment, which has the potential cripple a great relationship.
However, by allowing him to take the time to explore and heal these issues, it allows him to be present and confidently pursue a loving and committed relationship with you. When a guy is unsure and doubtful as to his ability to have a good relationship, it is a tell-tell sign of him potentially dealing with past relationship hurts. Just be aware of what he’s saying and what he’s not saying in order to get a fuller picture of why he’s hesitant to commit. Most guys are going through past hurts that they don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone, including you.
5. He Wants to, But Doesn’t Know How
He could genuinely want to be in a committed relationship but hasn’t the slightest clue on how to make it work. In one of my Instagram videos, I commented: “a lot of men aren’t interested in relationships because it’s not what we talk about with other men.” This is part of the reason why a lot of men don’t know how to be in a committed relationship. It’s something that we rarely talk about because there comes a level of vulnerability and the feeling of being inexperienced.
So we continue to use the same methods that we’ve always used and end up never becoming better at being in relationships. Most guys don’t have a perspective from a mature man that they can bounce ideas off of and help them figure what it takes to make a relationship grow. Nor do they have anyone telling them the benefits of having a loving relationship. So they continue to go from relationship to relationship and never build anything solid, only fragmented spurts of interest.
This creates a cycle and an underlying belief that he’s not good at relationships and commitment. Which makes it hard to settle down into a potentially great relationship. In the back of his mind, he’s asking himself is a committed relationship worth it, seeing that they don’t work out for me anyway?
6. He Doesn’t Believe You’re “The Right One”
Sad to say, but he just doesn’t believe that you are the right one for him. You’re cool and all, but he just doesn’t feel like you’re what will keep his interest for the long term. There is nothing to be ashamed about and he might genuinely like or love you, but that doesn’t mean that he wants to commit or spend the rest of his life being with you. A lot of women take this the wrong way because of how good he might treat you. However, this doesn’t mean he wants to make things more permanent.
I look at it as a good thing, by him not committing, it allows you to explore other options.
In this situation, I’m not talking about a sexual relationship. I’m talking about someone who you’re spending time with and interested in but it’s going nowhere. But if you are having sex, you might need to start pulling back your emotions and try to figure out what he thinks about the whole situation. I know… that’s hard to do! But it can be done, especially if you want to potentially find the right person who is willing to commit. So don’t take it the wrong way if he believes you’re not the right one. That’s information you need in order to move on with your life and find the person who does.
7. He’s Seeing Other Women
I put this last specifically because it’s probably your suspicion already. It could very well be true, a lot of women use this inclination to go through his phone, social media and even follow him around. Crazy right? But desperate times calls for desperate measures. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s what he wants to do at the moment. Truth be told, it has nothing or very little to do with you. Most men are addicted to the pursuit of various women, which makes them hesitant to commit.
What’s even crazier is most women still will try to change a man’s behavior instead of making a conscious decision to move on. Some women get a weird kick out of catching a man “cheating” or interacting with other women, even though there’s no commitment. They threaten him with the removal of sex, but honestly, if a man is out there like that, it doesn’t really matter to him, because there’s always another woman to pursue.
The bottom line is if he’s hesitant to commit,
he’s not your man. He has the freedom and so do you to make decisions without one another. I understand that sometimes his hesitation can cause you to be hesitant to move on, in hopes that he will come around one day. But the chances are slim to none. And this has to be ok with you.
I know it is hard to not fall in love with the potential that you see for a relationship with him, but the reality is, you probably should just move on to someone who is ready for what you want. That’s the hard part and where many women lose themselves.
Women start to believe that they’re not good enough for anyone and thus their beliefs are confirmed. If you are interested in learning how to get out of your own way and break your negative self-beliefs, consider taking one of our upcoming courses on reprogramming your relationship pattern.
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I hope you have enjoyed reading this post, subscribe to our newsletter (The Love Letter) and the Relationships & Chill Podcast for more amazing relationship, dating and self-improvement content.
Peace & Blessings
Coach R. Anthony
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